The Denim Patch

I have a hole in my jeans. No. Strike that. It's not an actual hole yet, but it will be. Right now it's a frayed area the size of a pinky finger tip, located right near the zipper of my favorite pair of denim blues.

I purchased this particular pair from The Gap last year sometime. The Mexicans who made them included a bunch of really nice character-adding fade patterns on the thighs, and minor scuff marks on the cuffs. Pretty cool. The zipper area was, for good reason, left un-worn, un-scuffed, and in every other way untouched. Zippers need to zip, after all, and most people who wear pants with the intention of covering parts of their parts, appreciate when the mechanics built into the crotch area of said pants function as expected. I am one of those people.

After a solid year of use, I'm happy to report that the zipper on this particular pair of Gap jeans is working flawlessly. The fabric area near the flap where the zipper is attached, however, is not. What began as a tiny fade mark caused by fabric being stressed in some way (no, not in THAT way) has graduated to a full-on scuff mark with visibly broken threads and a sign that reads "Coming Soon: A New Entrance to Neverland."

Since I would like to continuing wearing these jeans to places that typically do not encourage full-frontal exposure of the undapants kind, I decided to embark down a path of previously unchartered territory in the Land of Bubbleboy.

Denim repair.

After purchasing a small assortment of iron-on type, self-adhesive denim patches from the fabric store, I read the instructions carefully and mentally prepared for what was to come.

• Step 1: Wash garment before applying patch. check
• Step 2: Cut swatch of denim patch material slightly larger than area to be covered. check
• Step 3: Set iron temperature to "cotton setting" and preheat for 5 minutes. check
• Step 4: Using iron, warm fabric to be repaired before applying patch. check
• Step 5: Place patch material onto area to be repaired and press firmly with iron for 45 seconds. check
• Step 6: Remove iron and allow fabric to cool. check
• Step 7: Check that patch is secure and repeat step 5 if necessary.
  

A slight tug at the patch tore the sucker right off, so I repeated step 5 as directed. Same result. Three times.

Fahk.

Then I realized that the glue on the patch had successfully transferred to my jeans, but no amount of additional heat was causing the patch to fuse into the denim fibers. So much for that idea. Ah well. No big deal. I'll just use the remaining denim fabric patches in the set I purchased to --- um. Ummm.

Oh right. Denim fabric patches are only good for one thing: FIXING HOLES IN DENIM!

Scientific geniuses have put a man on the moon and landed a robot on Mars. They built the internets, providing a way for everyone with a computer or cell phone to access maps and the weather and information about puppies and burkas and puppies wearing burkas and a million other things, any time they damn well please. They gave us Oreos without fat and cars powered by water. They can clone sheep and grow human ears from scratch in a petri dish. It's impossible to go about one's day without bumping into some life-altering product, invented by some scientific genius for the sole purpose of improving our quality of life.

Pasteurized milk. Microwave ovens. The polio vaccine. Listerine that doesn't burn one's tongue. Important examples of scientific discovery, all. And they actually work as advertised.

Now get crackin' on the new-and-improved denim patch kit, Mr. or Ms. Science, before I have to resort to wearing a crotch burka instead.

It's not a good look, I tell you. And it has become quite the problematic bulls eye target for feral dogs in the neighborhood. I don't enjoy running when it's humid outside and I'm almost out of Snausages, so get the lead out!