Attack of the Aqua Net

In my many years of living with a hyper-sensitive sniffer (that's my nose, btw), I've amassed an impressive mental catalog of various odors. When I encounter a new one, I do my best to quickly locate its origin and categorize its discomfort-causing level of putrescence for future avoidance. Then I move away from the odor's epicenter, sometimes holding my breath, sometimes just walking briskly, before my sniffer becomes overwhelmed and a headache or some sort of unattractive respiratory response ensues.

And then there was the time when I ran like a girl away from the candle-laden gift aisle at Bed, Bath & Beyond, eyes watering, holding my breath all the way to the back of the store. I did not inhale again until I was near the giant wall of kitchen and dining cutlery. I'm not allergic to those.

It was not a proud moment for me and I assure you that I don't normally run like a girl. But I was carrying one of those plastic shopping baskets in one hand, and it had a few breakable picture frames in it, and because of that I had to run with my arm sort of straight down on one side. I implore anyone to devise a method of running with one arm straight at one's side, and the other bending naturally at the elbow, that does not result in a stereotypically effeminate gait.

I find it far simpler to just log these many instances in my noggin and to avoid repeating similar activities in the future. The best way for me to do that is to keep my hyper-sensitive sniffer from discovering offensive odors in the first place. So, I file the smells and their level of affect into my bubbleboy brain, along with a mental location shot of where it came from. This coping method has served me well thus far in life. I haven't walked near the candle aisle at Bed, Bath & Beyond without taking a deep breath since, and certainly wouldn't think about lingering in similar areas of other stores without donning proper SCUBA gear and mosquito netting. [I'm not allergic to mosquitoes. I just hate the high-pitched sound their wings make when they try to fly into my ears. Naturally, I also despise the incessant ringing in those same ears that begins the moment I spastically smack myself in the side of the head in a lame attempt at shooing the little winged bastards.]

When following a car down the road, I remember to observe the condition of that car's rear bumper and tailpipe. If the exhaust is smokey in any way, or if the bumper looks as though its caked in coal dust, then past experience dictates that I should close off my car's air vents as a logical smell-avoidance precaution.

If I happen to be walking out a doorway and the person walking in the same door from outside has just exhaled the final puff of smoke from their cigarette break, I'll take a deep breath and hold it until I'm far enough away from the area of latent nicotine smog.

My smell-avoidance technique is effective 99 percent of the time.

The other one-percent is being held against its will inside the can of Aqua Net hair spray that is applied liberally to my co-worker's eighties-retro coiffure. The pungent chemical smell of this shit permeates every cubic inch of clean air to be found near the entrance to our office suite area where she sits. Necessity deems that I walk through this very area in order to reach my own desk each day.

Sometimes holding my breath works well.

Sometimes she walks into my office to ask a question or invade one of the file cabinets.

Sometimes I don't hear her coming and fail to shut down my odor receptors in time.

I'm convinced that this particular can of Aqua Net hair spray is the spawn of satan.

On Sunday, June 2, 2007, Jenji inquired:

Bubbleboy.
I'm curious as to the pollen count for those of us who spend most of our Saturday ass deep in a bee bush...
I'm just curious.


Dear Jenji,

Bee bushes, in their excessively-trimmed (and possibly stunted) Rolloff-like form, have been known to be, surprisingly, pollen-free.

Following yesterday's close encounter of the bushy kind, I can concur with most certainty that the above statement is true. I found the bush, with its dwarfish twigs and leaf-challenged stature, to be decidedly free of any and all allergens or irritants.

Thanks for your question. I look forward to watching your bush grow and prosper in the weeks to come!

Bubbleboy

Too much info. Yet I can't look away.

THE POLLEN FORECAST FOR YOUR AREA IS VERY HIGH...[more details]

That is the message that greets me most mornings during spring and summer. It's displayed at the top of my customized Weather.com page like a beacon of misery for my sinuses.

I check this website every morning before leaving the bubble. It helps me decide what clothing to put on my body. It helps me prepare for things I may encounter later in the day (bring a jacket just in case, Chet). It either reinforces or completely rejects what the chubby TV weather guy told me was going to happen the night before --- and that makes me giggle like a prepubescent school girl all hopped up on Pop Rocks.

But most of all, Weather.com turns my many sinuses against me, which makes me utterly miserable. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Take this morning, for example. Weather.com reports that the current temperature is 77 degrees and humidity is only 52 percent. The sun is shining and, for all intents and purposes, it is shaping up to be an almost perfect weather day.

"Not so fast, Bubbleboy," the bold text at the top of the page seems to shout. "Just look at that pollen count!"

My pending joy turns to angst as my sinuses quickly don the heavy armor they deem necessary to ward off pending attacks from billions of microscopic pollen spores that will, undoubtedly, bombard my head the moment I step outside. This is the same armor that makes my head weigh 300 pounds during most of spring and summer each year. It also causes my neck to bend towards the ground when I walk --- like a dork looking for coins on the beach.

I'm shocked I don't have a dowager's hump already.

So why don't I just change my customized weather.com settings to hide the tension-brewing pollen warnings, you ask?

I could. But then I would feel so unprepared each day when leaving the house. And my sinuses would be naked, like standing in the middle of Baghdad wearing only undapants and a "I love Bush" t-shirt.

Sure it feels like I have a full-size Sherman tank jammed up in my head. But in the world of Bubbleboy, that's the way it needs to be. If I give up, then the pollen wins.

Fuckin' pollen.